The Rubber Ball of Doubt

This week I had a serious dose of the Doubts. It’s a feeling I and many writers (especially pre-published) know well, as it happens again and again. In my mind doubt is made of rubber and like the song says, ‘Rubber ball keeps on bouncing back to me.’

One day I’m full of confidence, sure that I’m a good writer, convinced that my latest WIP has commercial appeal, a unique concept and a strong voice and plot. Optimistic that if I keep honing my craft and keep submitting that one day it’ll happen, I’ll get picked up and get my book in print.

 

The next day I’m anxious and depressed mess as doubt crashes my positive party. Suddenly it’s, ‘My writing isn’t good enough.’ ‘My writing will never be good enough.’ ‘My extra issues that my dyslexia pose are getting worse raising the hurdles higher and unsurmountable.’ The universe and time are conspiring to make sure that my dream of becoming a published author is never happens’.

So why is it that one day I’m so optimistic and the next I’m full of pessimism? 

It only takes one thing, like a…

• A rejection that I’ve not indigested the feedback. (Once I read the comments and understand them, usually I can throw thee rubber ball away again.)

• A long-list missed.

• A spelling or grammar mistakes which I have found after I have pressed send on the submission.

So why does it get me so down with doubt?

• All the voices of all the people that have told me am not allowed to write because of my dyslexia comes flooding back into my write telling me ‘ I can’t write.’ Then all the other voices telling me what I can’t do because of my dyslexia join the party too.
  

• Knowing that NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY, my spelling isn’t getting better, and I will never be able to get my manuscript void of all dyslexia-isums. And despite being far away from the bread line that I can’t afford to get every submission copyedited.

• The niggling worry that despite the current move of inclusivity within the industry for diverse authors, including neuro-diverse writers, that although there are other dyslexic writers that are successfully published, that my dyslexia is pretty bad and maybe I’m just too far up the spectrum to get published.

So when all these doubts pile up, I have to pull myself up. I look at things logically, and see that the facts haven’t changed. I’ve have still had competition long-listings, short-listings and wins, which seems to confirm I’m not totally bad at writing. I still get more bespoke responses from submission that standard ones. I’m still working and improving my craft. I’m still dyslexic, but the industry is make positive steps to try and make it easier for people like me to get published.

 

So why when I tell myself all of these things and throw that ball of doubt away, does it always come bouncing back with more velocity?

I don’t know why the rubber ball of doubt seems to hit harder each time, but I do know this; The children’s writing & illustrating community is so supportive of each other, that when I get too tried to throw that rubber ball away, someone, will say, ‘hay, take a break,’ and they throw the ball away for me instead.

So sometimes I get down, but I love writing, and I’m surrounded by wonderful supportive people, and we all help one another when that ball of doubt land in our court. So writing onwards I go…

Clearing the Cotton Wool (in a vain hope to boost my creativity)

Lately I’ve been struggling to get my brain in gear and enable me to be productive. I can’t seem to stick to task, or achieve the momentum of creative flow, even decide on a course of action or remember anything. Many of you will know the feeling - the feeling that your brain is clogged up with cotton wool.

This is me presently – struggling with cotton wool brain and it is SOOOOOOO frustrating. The issue is made worse as my POTS (Postal Tachycardia Syndrome) making me tired, light headed, giving tummy issues and BRAIN FOG (which is another way of describing Cotton Wool Brain.) Add to this my dyslexia, causing me difficulties with my short term memory and concentration it all adds up to one thing, a bad case of cotton wool brain and reduced creativity.

This results in my confidence taking a hit which causes my mood to plunge which means I get anxious about not being creative enough. This then makes me doubt my ability to write and to navigate around the substantial extra hurdles my health issues and neuro diversity place on the path to publication. All of this of course makes my cotton wool brain to get worse.

So How to Clear the Cotton Wool from my Brain?

• Exercise is one of the best ways to relive POTS related symptoms including brain fog. However POTS also makes me medically exercise intolerant as my heart is already strained by just keeping me upright. Add to this my dodgy hips making most exercise impossible, and hyper flexibility which mean I can and have broken bones and dislocated joints my standing still - let alone moving or exercising. This makes exercise a challenge. Despite all the challenges my health issue present on my ability to exercise, I do walk everyday - as long as it’s on flat ground and good terrain. Of course some days it my hips are bad I can’t walk at all.

• Lists and Post-its. I have to-do lists and post-its everywhere. this is to try and focus my brain on the most important tasks and to combat my bad short term memory - to try and reduce the possibility of me forgetting anything.

• Eating better. Eating better, can help ease my POTS symptoms including the cotton wool brain. This of course takes time to plan and prepare, but the benefits are worth it. Just look at Deliciously Ella, who had really debilitating POTS which she managed through diet.

• Better Sleep. This is obvious, but when I have a bad case of cotton wool brain, it usually comes with a bad bout of POTS and hyper flexibility - which means more pain. Joints, Hips, and a bad tummy which makes sleeping difficult. Also due to my hyper flexibility I can’t take any sleeping aids, as these relax the muscles, and if I do, I can’t walk in the morning. So this is difficult, and any tip gratefully received.

• Getting Out. Sometimes the best was to clear the cotton wool is to force its out. If I change the environment, by going anywhere that isn’t home, there are fewer distractions. This means if I take a note pad and pen, and put that pen to the paper, I actually write. It may be BAD writing, but l think of it like panning for gold; you have to work through a lot of dirt to get the nougat. This forces the rain to cast aside the cotton wool enough to stick to task. Even if the output isn’t the best quality, it is a start and the next time I try and write it is easier.

All in all cotton wool brain is frustrating. Sometimes it is a massive challenge to clear it all. But then I’m a dyslexic trying to make a career in writing, so challenge is something I rise too – although slightly slowly and wobbly , I do rise.

A Year of Lockdown Reading - ( ALMOST!)

The pandemic has changed reading habits. I have some friends who’ve expressed concerns that during the Covid19 chaos and subsequent Lockdowns, that they’ve stopped reading. Others seem to be overjoyed at rediscovering books and the places they take you, that if only temporally, it gives you an escape from reality (press here to see more).

Book sales are up and according to reports its mostly classic titles or books by establish authors that people are purchasing, (press here to find out more). As people use the extra time to catch up on the reading they’ve always meant to do, or crave the familiar and revisit old favourites.

There, been some big stories, from celebrities learning to love reading again, (press here) to illiterate adults who have spent lockdown learning to read (press here).

One thing is certain, for better or for worse the pandemic and lockdown has changed peoples reading habits. I’ve bucked the trend. I am not reading less, or more. I’ve also not returned to old favourites, or embarked on devouring classics. But my reading habits have changed.

Usually I exclusively read kids and YA fiction, however I’ve found that I’m reading less children’s books, I just can’t seem to finish them (don’t worry I’m passionate about kids lit, so I’m sure it's temporary), and I have opted for an eclectic mix of books which is actually a balance  of adults fiction and non-fiction.

So the books that have got me through the pandemic so far are …

 
The Smart Neanderthal, Clive Finlayson – A non-fiction book about the authors research into Neanderthal, and primarily their relationships with birds, from the evidence found within the caves of the Gibraltar Rock, and how’s it challenged and changed the way Neanderthal, are viewed.

How to Think like a Neanderthal – Thomas Wynn and Frederick L. Coolidge – a non-fiction book that examines the anthropological evidence about Neanderthals and how this can be assembled to give us a greater understanding about how they lived and possibly how they thought.

 

How to Clone a Mammoth, The Science of De-Extinction - Beth Shapiro – A non-fiction exploration about genetic and cloning and how it can be applied to help endangered animals and combat global warming.

Mammoths, Ice age Giants- Adam Lister – non Fiction beautifully illustrated book crammed full of facts about this ice-age mega-fauna.

Get a Grip on Genetics – Martin Brookes - A beginner’s guide to genetics in easy to consume bitesize chunks.

The Hedgehog Handbook – Sally Coulthard – A beautiful charming non-fiction book, with a month by month account of a hedgehog’s life in the wild. Juxtaposed with facts about their dwindling numbers, challenges, and what we can do to help, paired with exquisite illustrations.

Jumbo , This being the True Story of The Greatest Elephant in the World – Paul Chambers – A nonfiction biography about the world most famous ever elephant.

 

The American Gods Quintet  - Neil Gainman – finally getting around to reading the two novels and two novella, that have been recommended to me by so many friends. Loved being immersed in the deliciously dark and bonkers world of forgotten deities

There is only three books here because one of the novella's is in the back of American Gods novel.

 

The Constant Rabbit – Jasper Fforde – A trippy trip to an alternative version of the UK, with talking animorphised rabbits. Bonkers and brilliant.

 

Mammoth – Chris Flynn; A creative non-fiction/ fiction (I’m not sure) biographical account of one American Mastodon’s existence in life and after death when his soul is woken as his fossilised remains are unearthed. Recounted by the creature himself, to other artefacts as they await the action where they'll be sold off. This is charming, original and such a breath of fresh air. A true masterpiece.

 

The Library of the Unwritten – A. J. Hackwith; Step in into the library in Hell where all unwritten books are stored, sometimes waking up, manifested into one of the characters and are restless (or mad) as their story arch's haven't been finished. Plus a war brewing between Heaven and Hell that only a Librarian, a muse, a woken book and a demonized soul of a teenage boy can prevent.

 

If you need any motivation to crack on and get an unfinished manuscript completed, then read this. After reading this, I picked up a story I started in 2013 and finished it, as so not to torment my characters!

The Boy the Horse the Fox and the Mole: I was so late discovering this book, but it is so beautiful, and the perfect antidote to the pandemic, which the whole family fell in love with it, so we brought copied an got them sent to friends and family.

 

These books really helped me get through the pandemic so far , I don’t know exactly why my reading habits during these strange times has changed, or why I’ve changed the ratio of my reading to be more non-fiction, but it has indeed changed. One thing I’m grateful for, is that I am still reading. As Mason Cooley said, ‘Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.”

Also, I know this may not look like much reading, but I am dyslexic and my reading is painfully slow!