Competitions - A two sided coin

Writing competitions, they are a staple of the writer’s journey, and can be a spring board to representation and publication or simply a nice little boost of confidence and something to bolster your covering letter. But they can also be a source of heart ache.

I’ve been plodding the road towards publication for a long time now. The pursuit of publication isn’t an expedition for the faint hearted; it is full of rejection and near misses. It is a path of resilience and a marathon rather than a sprint. Along the way there are many pit stops that can fuel your perseverance or drain it.

Competitions are one of these pit stops. Sometime fate is on your side and you get a long-listing, honorary mention or readers favourite. It’s exhilarating and you celebrate. You need to for your mental health, in a business where there is so much NO, and success (for pre-published writers) is binary, you are either published or not, celebrating the small stuff is essential. So you raise a glass, and you post on your social media your little success with the others you’ve met along the way, as much as a thank you for their support as it is a celebration.

But then there is the other, more frequent occasions, where the announcement comes out and you are not on it. Your heart sinks. Your hopes are dashed, and all you want to do is curl up in ball. But then inevitably, some of your friends made the cut, and you celebrate with them, even if you are wallowing with sadness and a wee bit of envy. I’ve entered dozen, maybe even hundreds of competitions over the years, and I’ve felt both side of the competition coin.

 

This week for the first time in a long-long time, I got some unexpected news; I made the long list for the Searchlight Novel Opening Competition. I was obviously delighted and went on to social media to celebrate. People congratulated me, and it was a much need boost, as I’ve been struggling to keep the faith recently. However one writer congratulated me, but also said they’d entered the competition and not been so lucky.

 

I felt terrible. Guilty for gloating. After all I’ve been there many times. I didn’t intend to add to anyone’s disappointment. So I replied sending love and positivity. But one word resonated with me ‘LUCKY’.

Yes this time I was.

Yes, my manuscript was polished over a number of years. Yes, I spent a good few hours preparing it for the competition. But I entered multiple titles and only one got on. All the other books had equal amounts of hard work and preparation. The difference? In my opinion, the difference- is luck. The luck of a particular story being assigned to the right reader that connected and engaged with it enough to advocate on its behalf for a place in the long list.

So yes, I was lucky, and I’m grateful.

But I do know what I feel like to not get on a longlist, and wonder where my luck is. So to everyone who is traipsing the road towards publication I wish you oodles of luck.

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News! A long Listing!

I am absolutely delighted to say I have a book on the 2022 Searchlight Novel Opening Award Long List! 

Congratulations to the rest of the long-listers and a massive THANK YOU to the readers! 

Am I getting worse? Or, is everyone else getting better? Or BOTH? A pre-published writer’s battle with self-confidence & imposter syndrome.

I love writing. I write most days, and when I’m not writing – I’m thinking about writing; mulling over stories in my mine – practising dialogue by talking to myself, observing life – soaking everything up as you never know what will one day be useful. 

Most of the time I’m an optimist – always thinking my writing is improving – celebrating every little achievement – and telling myself that if I keep going – keeping improving that with a bit of luck one day I’ll get published. But then occasionally my optimism is pushed aside by my darker pessimistic side. The one that tells me all is hopeless. That is highly competitive – and with my extra difficulties with dyslexia that I’ll never make it. 

Like many pre-published writers these bouts of lost-confidence and diminishing hope rears its head after competition long-lists have been announced – and I didn’t make the cut. What makes long-listing announcement bad for me is that when I was starting out – my hit rate was good. At one time I had made the long-list/short-list or won every competition I had submitted too. Now a few years later – after honing my craft with courses and writing academies, my hit rate has dwindled. So after every competition long-list I miss - my pessimistic size sizes control – and I spiral, asking myself questions… 

• Am I getting worse?
• Is everyone else getting better?
•  Is my rougher first draft MS better than my polished ones?
• Is my writing gone out of style?
• Has my dyslexia gotten worse?
• Is it yet another spectacular bad case of unfortunate timing?
• That I’m an imposter – as one of the only members of the SCBWI Oxford Critique group I was in that is still activity writing and not be published or agented - that I’m not good enough to be here, 

In the past I’ve tried ignoring my pessimistic side – but it never works, instead it sits festering and feeding on my hope. So now I know I have to indulge it. Let it play its course. Lick my wounds, re-galvanise myself and carry on. 

At this point, my optimism bounces back in reassuring me that… 

• I’m getting better
• That more people are writing now – and getting support from MA’s, Manuscript appraisal schemes and writing academies.
• That my dyslexia hasn’t got worse, it’s improving but there is just more competition out there.
• That Time isn’t a thing I can control – and Time trips everybody up at one point or another.
• As for imposter syndrome - I have to remind myself that many of my published friends having been writing far longer than me – and were writing much longer than I have been before landing a contract.

And so I pick myself up and carry on. After all I love writing and to quote someone far wiser than me...